


monsters in your home

by Anonymous



Category: iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Bullying, Dissociation, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Murder, Panic Attacks, Rape, Religious Imagery & Symbolism, Revenge, Self-Harm, Songfic, Suicide Attempt, Underage Smoking, based on heat by brockhampton, bc of the drugs, drugged, happy-ish ending, lowkey amnesia, neither of double b are rapists so dw about that
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-17
Updated: 2018-06-11
Packaged: 2019-05-08 03:39:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 3
Words: 16,284
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14685681
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: after a video was posted on instagram, hanbin's life turned into hell. jiwon can't stand watching his best friend fall apart, so he takes action into his own hands.(song fic based on heat by brockhampton)





	1. falling up into the ceiling while im drowning

**Author's Note:**

> trigger warnings for this chapter:  
> \- rape (begins at the words "hanbin sat on the couch" and ends at "he fell unconscious, unable to take any more")  
> -flashbacks (begins at "hands trembling, he began to strip himself of the soiled clothing" and ends at "kneeling down, jiwon took one of hanbin's hands into his own"
> 
> please don't trigger yourself by reading this, and if you need any help please call a hotline. you deserve to be alive.

“aw, look at you.”

hanbin squeezed his eyes shut, quickly pulling his hoodie over his head. why couldn’t he get peace even in the fucking locker room? he thought everyone was out before he left the toilet stall. he felt anxiety begin to soar in his chest, he thought he could go one day before getting beat up or terrorized by one particular boy and his group of jocky friends. 

he recognized the steps behind him before the boy even spoke. jung fucking sangmin. 

“can you please leave me alone?”

“not for a moment, faggot.” sangmin sneered, pulling hanbin’s shoulder to turn him around. hanbin’s eyes refused to leave the ground. “look at me, bitch.” he roughly pulled hanbin’s chin up to meet his eyes. 

hanbin felt tears welling in his eyes. “look, whatever you’re going to do, can you just get it over with? i have to go home.”

sangmin cackled, “is the cocksucker gonna cry? i thought you only cried while getting fucked.” sangmin pulled out his phone from his pocket. “i mean, that’s what i saw.”

hanbin closed his eyes, refusing to see the video. again. 

he didn’t want to remember that night.

just a few months ago, hanbin was able to pass under the radar. he had his best friends, jiwon and yunhyeong, good grades, and nobody really paid attention to him. of course there were a few assholes, but not enough to be considered a problem. 

 

_on a wednesday, january 23rd to be exact, hanbin got a text._

_[5:09 pm] 010-247-9894: hey is this kim hanbin?_  
_[5:17 pm] kim hanbin: uh, yes? who is this?_  
_[5:20 pm] son hyunsik (bio): it’s hyunsik from biology class!_  
_[5:21 pm] son hyunsik (bio): what’s up_  
_[5:26 pm] kim hanbin: i’m doing okay, just watching tv. how about you?_  
_[5:27 pm] son hyunsik (bio): not much just chilling out._  
_[5:27 pm] son hyunsik (bio): by the way_  
_[5:28 pm] son hyunsik (bio): there’s a party on saturday and i was wondering if you wanted to go with me?_  
_[5:32 pm] kim hanbin: hmm, where’s it going to be?_  
_[5:33 pm] son hyunsik (bio): it’s at jaekwang’s house you know him right?_  
_[5:34] kim hanbin: oh, yeah! i know him._  
_[5:34] kim hanbin: i’ll probably be there :)_  
_[5:35] son hyunsik (bio): do you want me to pick you up after school and we can go together?_  
[5:37] kim hanbin: oh, sure! 

_hanbin put down his phone, smiling to himself. he’s never been to a real high school party before, even though he’s a junior. plus, he got invited by one of the cutest boys in the school!_

_“what was it?”_

_hanbin looked up, almost forgetting that jiwon was in his room. jiwon was perched on the desk chair, absentmindedly scrolling through hanbin’s tumblr feed. “oh, it was nothing.”_

_“no, no, no, tell the truth binnie!” jiwon swiveled in the chair, turning it around to squint at hanbin. “you’re smiling at your phone. what is it?”_

_hanbin rolled his eyes, he couldn’t keep anything from his closest friend. “okay, so i might have been invited to jaekwang’s party on saturday.”_

_“jaekwang? you mean senior leader of the soccer team lee jaekwang?”_

_“yeah…” hanbin smiled shyly._

_“who invited you?”_

_“son. fucking. hyunsik.”_

_jiwon gasped. “holy shit! dude, get it!”_

_hanbin giggled, face flushing. nobody except jiwon and yunhyeong knew he was gay, but he could dream. “shut up dude, everyone knows he’s a straightie.”_

_jiwon chuckled, “hey, you never know! i thought i was straight but then i met saw michael b. jordan. he could be questioning, you don’t know.”_

_“i doubt he’s hitting on me. he’s literally one, a grade above me, and two, totally unattainable.” hanbin looked into the reflection of the mirror on his door. “plus, why would he want me, anyways? i’m ugly as shit.” hanbin watched himself frown. plain brown hair, plain brown eyes, rectangular glasses perched on his nose. nothing was that special about him._

_“dude, we both know that’s not true. you’re cute as hell.” jiwon sat down next to him, pinching his cheeks._

_“hyung!” hanbin whined, “stop!”_

_jiwon practically guffawed, the sight of his best friend’s face squished up while he was frowning was too adorably funny. he let hanbin go, then looked at him with sincerity in his eyes. “be careful, okay? i wasn’t even invited, so i won’t be there.”_

_“i don’t need your protection, ji.”_

_“i know, i just get worried sometimes.” jiwon’s eyes flitted to the floor. “i don’t know what i’d do if something happened to you.”_

_hanbin smiled softly. “hyung, i’ll be fine.”_

_jiwon grinned, “okay, i believe you.”_

_the day of the party arrived, and hanbin was restless all day. he felt like he would burst with excitement. hyunsik touched his shoulder in after class while murmuring a gentle, “meet me in front the school at 2:20, okay?” and hanbin practically melted. he couldn’t stop smiling._

_he kept looking at the clock during english, bouncing his leg. 2:10. only 5 minutes until class would be over and he would be rushing to hyunsik’s car._

_he looked over again. 2:13. only two minutes._

_“okay class,” mr. jeon clapped his hands together in front of his chest. “any questions?” a chorus of “no”s answered. “alright, get your things and enjoy your weekend!”_

_hanbin grabbed his bag, stuffing his binders and notebooks inside, and was the first out the door. he looked at every reflection in the hallway, messing with his hair and still trying to get used to seeing himself without glasses. he thought that contacts would be better for an event like today._

_he took a deep breath, and exited the building._

_immediately, hanbin spotted hyunsik talking to his friends. “hyunsik hyung!” he called._

_hyunsik looked up, grinning. his friends looked hanbin up and down with a peculiar gaze. “hey hanbin,” hyunsik answered coolly. hanbin walked over to the group, pushing his hair out of his eyes. “oh, no glasses today?”_

_“nah, wasn’t feeling it.” hanbin looked down, shy._

_“well, you look good either way.” hyunsik eyed his outfit, an oversized blue and black flannel, ripped black super skinny jeans (practically leggings) and dark red vans. his hair was freshly dyed light brown on the top layer, and his natural black on the bottom layer. a simple black choker was wrapped around his neck. he thought he looked good._

_“we’re gonna head back to my place first to get ready, then head to the party. is that okay?” hyunsik put a hand on hanbin’s shoulder._

_“yeah! that’s fine.” hanbin looked up at him, smiling sweetly._

_“let’s go.”_

_they began walking to hyunsik’s car, hyunsik and hanbin in front, and the other 3 males following behind. “oh, by the way, this is kyungho, minyeong, and dongwook.” hyunsik pointed at each of them as he said their names._

_hanbin bowed slightly, “nice to meet you!”_

_“nice to meet you too, baby.” the one named minyeong smirked, and kyungho jabbed him with his elbow. “yah, don’t be a dick.”_

_hanbin laughed a little, kind of uncomfortable. “it’s okay.”_

_they reached the car, dongwook opening the front seat door for hanbin. “oh, thank you!” hanbin smiled at him._

_“it’s no problem,” dongwook murmured, leaning in close._

_hanbin sat down in his seat quickly. what was up with these guys? he shut the door and put on his seatbelt. he pulled out his phone, texting jiwon._

_[2:45 pm] binnie <3: ji_  
[2:45 pm] binnie <3: i’m on my way to his house  
[2:46 pm] king ji: what???? why??? 

_hyunsik pulled out of the school parking lot, driving towards the road on the opposite side of the way hanbin and jiwon usually drive home._

_[2:46 pm] binnie <3: him and his friends need to get ready before we head over there _  
[2:47 pm] binnie <3: his friends are kind of weird tbh  
[2:47 pm] king ji:are you safe?  
[2:47 pm] binnie <3: yeah  
[2:48 pm] binnie <3: they’re just kind of flirty 

_hyunsik tapped hanbin’s shoulder, making him look up at the oldest. “yeah?”_

_“it’s not that long of a drive, we’ll be pulling into the neighborhood soon.”_

_hanbin nodded, looking back down at his phone._

_[2:48 pm] king ji: that’s…...odd_  
[2:48 pm] king ji: please call me if you feel unsafe. i’m serious.  
[2:49 pm] binnie  <3: of course, hyung 

_“bin, we’re here,” kyungho poked his back. hanbin glanced up, eyes focusing on a big white house._

_“oh, okay!” he unbuckled his seatbelt, opening the door and getting out, almost forgetting his backpack._

_“let me get that for you,” minyeong grabbed it from the floor of the car, brushing against hanbin. he pulled the bag out with ease, handing it to the younger._

_“thanks, minyeong ssi!” hanbin grinned._

_“please, call me hyung.” minyeong smiled that saccharine sweet smile he’s known around the school for._

_“uh, okay hyung!”_

_hyunsik unlocked the door, beckoning them inside. “welcome to my humble abode, hanbin.”_

_hanbin looked around, it wasn’t much, but you could tell that hyunsik was rich. expensive fur rugs were placed under a glass and mahogany table, expensive crystal counters around a large kitchen, many rooms dotted around the area. “are your parents here?”_

_“nope, they’re on vacation.” hyunsik chuckled, “otherwise, they wouldn’t have let me go to the party.”_

_“what party?” kyungho questioned._

_“jaekwang’s , idiot.” hyunsik shook his head._

_that was weird, hanbin thought to himself. he put his bag with everyone else’s, and stood in the doorway, not sure what to do._

_“sit down, binnie, you’re already ready,” hyunsik ruffled his hair, moving to the bathroom._

_hanbin sat on the couch, practically sinking into the comfortable material. “wow, this is nice.”_

_kyungho sat beside him, and minyeong on the other side. dongwook stood in the kitchen, “anyone want a drink?”_

_“no thanks,” hanbin answered._

_“i’ll just get you some water.”_

_hanbin pursed his lips, confused. “okay?”_

_dongwook came back, handing hanbin his glass of water. hanbin thanked him quietly, taking a sip. “oh, damn.” he didn’t realize just how thirsty he was, downing the entire glass in one go._

_dongwook huffed out a laugh, backing away and finding a seat._

_he shifted around, feeling his phone vibrate in his pocket. he pulled it out, looking at the screen._

_[3:04 p-_

_minyeong grabbed the phone out of his hands, placing it on the table. “that’s no way to treat new friends, now is it?” kyungho purred, placing a hand on his thigh._

_hanbin looked between them, confused. “uh, i need to go use the bathroom.” he stood up, rushing to the bathroom hyunsik was in._

_he knocked on the door, hyunsik opening it after the third knock. “what’s going on?”_

_“can i stay with you? your friends are kind of creeping me out…”_

_“oh, of course! i’m just doing my hair right now.”_

_hyunsik let hanbin in, moving back to where he was, looking in the mirror. “what were they doing?”_

_“well, they wouldn’t let me look at my phone, and they’re just being… weird.”_

_“oh, really?”_

_“yeah… when are we gonna go to the party?”_

_“oh, honey.” hyunsik turned around, caging hanbin into the wall with his arms._

_“w-what’s going on?”_

_“you didn’t really think there was a party at jaekwang’s, right? everyone would be talking about it.” hyunsik pinned hanbin’s hands above his head. he traced the other hand along his cheek, brushing his lips against his ear. “the party’s right here.” hanbin felt lightheaded, and could barely keep himself standing upright. his legs and arms felt limp, and he dropped to the floor, hitting his head._

_terror coursed through his body, he wanted to scream for help, but his mouth felt like cotton. hyunsik tsk-ed, pulling him up by his arms. “such a lightweight. can’t even handle one little pill.”_

_he dragged hanbin’s limp body back to the living room, dropping him on the couch. “and the party starts now.” dongwook, minyeong, and kyungho practically jumped from their seats, kneeling and standing around him._

_forcing hanbin’s thighs apart, minyeong tried to pull down hanbin’s skinny jeans, fiddling with the button. it took him a second, then he muttered a quick, “fuck it.” he pulled a pocket knife from his shirt pocket, cutting open the front of hanbin’s jeans, tearing off the zipper and button. shoving the rest of the torn material down to his ankles, he starting rubbing over the top of hanbin’s limp cock._

_kyungho kissed down the side of hanbin’s neck, palming himself over his shorts. “fuck , baby, we’ve been waiting so long for this. needed a little slut to get me off.” hanbin forced his eyes shut, not wanting to watch the four men defile him._

_dongwook held his arms up, while hyunsik pulled hanbin’s shirt off. “shit, you’re so hot like this,” he hissed, rubbing a nipple between his thumb and forefinger._

_“look at him, he’s so hard for this.” minyeong pulled his hand back, showing off his work. hanbin was in fact, hard, but he didn’t want it, he didn’t want this. any touch near his dick would make it erect whether he wanted it or not._

_“i’ve had my eye on you for a while, binnie,” hyunsik murmured sweetly. “as soon as i saw you staring during class i couldn’t help myself.” he held hanbin’s hips up as minyeong pulled his boxers down. “aw, so pretty.” the four stood around him, breathing heavily._

_“where’s the lube?”_

_hanbin felt himself losing more and more motor function, eyes falling shut. he felt hands prodding around his body, lips on his, and fingers beginning to enter him._

_he felt truly used._

_tears streamed down hanbin’s cheeks as he felt his mouth being forced open, and that dirty taste of skin beginning to fill his mouth._

_“shit, let me get my phone.” hanbin’s mind went into overdrive, unable to open his eyes, only able to feel things enter and leave his body, hearing the curses and degrading, seeing the flash of a camera taking photos and taking videos._

_he fell unconscious, unable to take any more._

_it was hours before he woke up, ass and legs sore. he felt sticky and bruised. he was still in the house, but now he was alone. attempting to stand up on shaky legs, hanbin roamed around the room in a daze, grabbing his things. he couldn’t remember anything past dongwook giving him water. did he fall asleep, and they went to the party without him? why was his shirt off? where was his boxers and pants?_

_finding his clothes in the corner near the trash can, he pulled them on, having difficulty in keeping his pants up, a giant hole in the crotch. his phone was still on the coffee table, notifications ringing every other second._

_[9:54 pm] yunhyeongie ;3: hanbin what the fuck happened_  
[9:54 pm] @seongseongie tagged you in a post  
[9:54 pm] @heemichan followed you  
[9:53 pm] @yoon22: dude, i didn’t know you were gay  
99+ more notifications 

_his eyes hurt, the sudden bright light shocking. he unlocked his phone, immediately going to the messenger app, scrolling through the dozens of messages from people he hadn’t talked to in months. what the fuck happened?_

_finally getting to jiwon, he read the texts._

_[4:35 pm] king ji: hanbin are you okay??_  
[4:35 pm] king ji: why aren’t you answering  
[5:02 pm] king ji: hanbin what the fuck is happening you’re scaring me  
[6:30 pm] king ji: hanbin please answer  
[6:30 pm] king ji: what happened what is that video  
[7:00 pm] king ji: hanbin i am so fucking sorry  
(34 missed calls) 

_hanbin furrowed his brows. what video?_

_he hit the call button. after 2 rings, jiwon picked up._

_“hanbin! what the fuck happened?”_  
“what do you mean?” hanbin’s voice was still slightly slurred, his mouth struggling to get used to being used.  
“oh my god. oh no.”  
“what?”  
“ok, where are you? i’ll come pick you up.”  
“i’m still at hyunsik hyung’s.”  
“fuck, do you know the address?”  
“2403 sunset ridge.”  
“i’m on my way.” 

_there was a period of silence._

_“do you really not know what happened?”_  
“the last thing i remember before i woke up on the couch was dongwook giving me water.”  
“those bastards. fuck.”  
“jiwon hyung, are you okay?”  
“the real question should be are you okay?”  
“i’m hurting everywhere, i don’t know why.”  
“god damnit. i knew you shouldn’t have gone with him. fuck i’m such an idiot.”  
“...”  
“fuck, binnie, please stay on the line i’m almost there.”  
“okay, hyung.” 

_hearing jiwon’s loud pick up truck grow near, he stepped outside, using the end of his shirt to cover up the hole in his pants._

_hanbin’s mind was numb, he knew he was forgetting something, but he didn’t want to remember._

_headlights flooded his vision, and next thing he knew, jiwon flew out of his car and pulled hanbin into a tight embrace._

_“bin, i’m so fucking sorry. i shouldn’t have let you go, this is my fault.” jiwon cried, pressing kisses to hanbin’s forehead, petting his hair, trying his best to comfort his best friend_

_“what happened, ji?”_

_jiwon stilled, pulling back. “do you seriously not remember?”_

_hanbin shook his head._

_“i thought you were fucking with me. oh my god.” jiwon took hanbin’s hand into his own. “don’t go on social media tonight. please.”_

_“okay? i won’t.” hanbin pulled away, walking towards jiwon’s car._

_“wait, let me look at you.” jiwon pulled his phone out, turning on the flashlight. his jaw dropped._

_there were tears in hanbin’s flannel, blood and cum smeared on his cheeks and lips, a bruise across his cheek, probably more all over the covered parts of his body. his hair was messed up, and he looked so, so tired._

_“oh fuck.” jiwon wiped his eyes. “fuck. “_

_“what’s wrong?” hanbin looked at his hands. dirty, and covered in dried white material. he sniffed it. “what the fuck? is this cum?”_

_“oh binnie, i’m so so sorry.” jiwon pulled him into another hug before walking to the other side of the truck and getting in._

_hanbin opened the door, stepping into the oh-so familiar vehicle. “you’re coming back to my house tonight, i already talked to your parents.” jiwon pulled out of the driveway and back onto the road, turning to go in the direction of his home._

_“why?”_

_“they don’t want you to be alone.”_

_“okay…?”_

_after a few minutes of tense silence, hanbin decided to check his phone again. “gotta answer yunhyeong,” he explained when jiwon gave him the stink eye._

_[7:03 pm] yunhyeongie ;3: hanbin_  
[7:03 pm] yunhyeongie ;3: you here?  
[7:04 pm] yunhyeongie ;3: i just saw something  
[7:04 pm] yunhyeongie ;3: that wasn’t you in the video right?  
[7:05 pm] yunhyeongie ;3: the one that senior hyunsik posted  
[7:06 pm] yunhyeongie ;3: he tagged you  
[7:35 pm] yunhyeongie ;3: hanbin please answer me  
[7:48 pm] yunhyeongie ;3: please, hanbin  
[9:54 pm] yunhyeongie ;3: hanbin what the fuck happened 

_hanbin frowned, what’s the video they keep talking about?_  
[10:17 pm] hanbin my son: hey  
[10:17 pm] hanbin my son: to be honest, i don’t know what video everyone’s talking about  
[10:18 pm] hanbin my son: so it’s probably not me 

_hanbin huffed, sitting back in his seat. “what is yunhyeong talking about?”_

_jiwon stiffened. “what do you mean?”_

_“he said something about a video.”_

_jiwon sighed, resting his head on the steering wheel. “i’ll tell you when we get home.”_

_the next five minutes were tense, a silence stretching miles between the two of them. hanbin got lost in his thoughts, and suddenly they were in front of jiwon’s house, his parents waiting at the door with a mug in his mom’s hands._

_jiwon got out of the car first, hands shaking. he walked to the other side and open hanbin’s door for him, and helped him get out. “i told my parents what happened, if that’s okay. if they’re being overbearing, that’s because they want to help.”_

_hanbin blinked, “okay.”_

_they trekked up the steps to the front porch, and opened the screen door. immediately, jiwon’s parents pulled their son’s best friend into a tight hug. “hanbin, honey. are you okay?” they stepped back, and jiwon’s mom presented a mug of tea. “it’s your favorite, i remember jiwonnie making this for you in middle school.” hanbin took the mug from her hands, sniffing it. mint green tea. he put it to his lips, hesitant, then took a sip._

_immediately the warmth and familiar taste comforted him, and he smiled graciously. “thank you so much, mrs. kim.”_

_“it’s no problem, really. with everything you went through, you-”_

_“mom.” jiwon cut her off. “he… doesn’t know.”_

_“what?” mrs. kim looked shocked. “oh, you poor thing.”_

_jiwon interlaced his fingers with hanbin’s pulling him towards the stairs. “he’s taking a shower then we’re gonna talk. okay bye!”_

_mr and mrs. kim simply waved as they ascended the building._

_“do you really want to take a shower?” jiwon questioned as they headed towards his room. “i only really said that to get her to leave us alone.”_

_“yeah, dude. i feel nasty.” hanbin grimaced, stretching his back, popping a few joints. they passed through the door, jiwon’s cat, minnie, greeting them with a meow from his spot on the floor._

_“if you need anything i’ll be on the bed” jiwon let go of his hand and scoured through his drawers for some clothes for hanbin to wear. he picked out some black sweatpants and an oversized pink hoodie from when he lived in virginia. hanbin waited by the door to the bathroom, letting jiwon come to him._

_“here you go,” jiwon hesitated for a moment. “we’ll talk when you’re done.”_

_hanbin nodded and went into the bathroom. in the darkness, he felt fine, just confused._

_flipping the lightswitch, he gasped, staring into his reflection. bruises blooming on his face, dried white liquid on his cheeks and lips, dried blood on his lip and above his eye. his clothes were torn and stained with… various fluids._

_hands trembling, he began to strip himself of the soiled clothing. he dreaded looking back up._

_clothes off, he finally looked back into the mirror, and he wanted to scream._

_blood was dried on the inside of his thighs, bruises and hickies on his chest, more and more stains covered his torso and legs. it all was beginning to come back to him._

_“the little fag can’t even take cock without crying.” (hands all over his body)_  
“what a bitch.” (hair being pulled)  
“such a dirty slut, i bet you’ve been wishing for this since you were a freshman.” (a punch landed on his cheek)  
“open your mouth.” (pain searing through his body)  
“hold his legs!” (it was wet, and red. all he could see was white) 

_he wanted to cry. so he did._

_hearing hanbin’s sobs, jiwon rushed into the bathroom. as if on instinct, hanbin dropped to his knees and raised his hands over his face and shouted in terror._

_kneeling down, jiwon took one of hanbin’s hands into his own. “hanbin. baby, i’m not going to hurt you.”_

_“everything hurts, hyung.” hanbin let jiwon pull him into his arms, burying his face into his shoulder. “feel so dirty.”_

_“it’s okay, binnie,” jiwon ran his fingers through hanbin’s ruffled hair. “we’re going to be okay.”_

_“they took their phones out, hyung. they filmed me.”_

_“hanbin, please take a shower. we’ll talk when you’re finished.”_

_hanbin nodded, standing up on shaky, sore legs. there was a beat of silence, hanbin trying to catch his breath. “can you stay in here, hyung?”_

_jiwon looked up._

_“i don’t want to be alone.”_

_jiwon nodded._

_hanbin tried to smile, but it turned into more of a grimace._

_he stepped into the shower, pulling the curtain closed. he took a deep breath, and turned on the water. it was hot, but felt good on his sore muscles._

_hanbin refused to look at his body, just trying to wash off the stains and terrible feelings on his skin. he scrubbed and scrubbed at his skin, but it wouldn’t leave. he still felt dirty, even as his skin cleared._

_he began to tear up, letting go of the washcloth. his skin itched, but no matter how hard he scratched, it wouldn’t leave. his head hurt so bad, his vision was blurring._

_his heart was broken._

_“bin?”_

_jiwon’s voice cut through the silence and spray of water, as well as hanbin’s thoughts._

_“y-yeah?” hanbin croaked, trying to hide the fact that he was crying._

_“are you done?”_

_hanbin looked down at his arms, cringing. the skin was splotchy and red, stinging and painful. “i think so.”_

_jiwon pulled the curtain back, holding two towels. “here you go. clothes are on the counter.”_

_“thanks.” hanbin whispered._

_he dried himself off, putting on jiwon’s clothing, feeling slightly more secure wrapped in the scent of his closest friend. he wiped his eyes, padding towards where jiwon was sat on his bed. he sat down next to him, leaning into his shoulder. jiwon wrapped an arm around him. “you okay?”_

_hanbin shook his head._

_“i understand.”_

_hanbin’s phone buzzed on jiwon’s desk._

_“fuck. “ jiwon cursed. “okay so,” he took a deep breath. “you know how they filmed you?”_

_hanbin nodded._

_“they posted it on instagram.”_

_hanbin felt a tear run down his cheek. “are you fucking serious?”_

_“i’m sure people reported it-”_

_“i need to see it.”_

_jiwon gaped at him. “a-are you sure?”_

_“yes. i want to see it.”_

_jiwon frowned, “okay, bin.”_

_jiwon took his phone out from his pocket, and unlocked it. taking a deep breath, he opened instagram. hanbin’s eyes widened. all over jiwon’s feed was videos and screenshots of him on his knees or bent over, crying or completely passed out. bleeding and torn apart._

_one caption read: always knew he was a bitch lul  
another read: i’m only posting this to spread awareness. what these boys did is not okay. report the original post and call the school and get them suspended. #justiceforhanbin_

_hanbin quaked. his worst fear came true. jiwon put an arm around him. “can i see the original video?”_

_jiwon typed @hyunsicks into the search bar, tapping on the page. he looked at hanbin, making sure he was okay before he tapped on the most recent post._

_it was a video of hanbin passed out, his mouth being fucked by whoever was filming. hanbin looked away. 30k views. fuck._

_“hyung… d-did my parents see?”_

_jiwon nodded, a forlorn look in his eyes. “i’m so sorry.”_

_hanbin shuddered, still feeling hands all over his body. “i… i want to sleep jiwonnie. please.”_

_“okay, let’s do that.” jiwon laid down, hanbin beside him. he pulled the covers up to their shoulders. “if you need anything, please wake me up.”_

_hanbin nodded, curling into jiwon’s chest._

_he only had nightmares that night._

_the next few weeks were hell. he had to delete all forms of social media, getting hundreds of messages ranging from “we support you, please stay strong” to “kill yourself, faggot. you deserved it.”_

_he could barely eat or sleep, consumed with dark thoughts and “what-ifs”._

_the posts were taken down, the boys expelled, but that was it._

_hanbin had to take a break from school for a month, the school sending him his work, which he gave to jiwon to turn in. after he came back, everyone seemed to support him, until the hype died down. then the bullying started._

_however, he still had jiwon and yunhyeong, and that’s all he needed._

“bet it felt good, huh?” sangmin sneered. “taking dick over and over again.”

hanbin wanted to scream and hit something. but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. “leave me alone.” he started to walk away. 

sangmin pulled him back, smashing him against the wall. “on your knees, slut.” he slammed his knee into hanbin’s crotch.

if there’s anything hanbin’s learned from this experience, is how to remove yourself mentally from stressful situations. the minute he’s hit, he’s gone. 

kick.

hanbin closed his eyes.

punch. 

“you’re just gonna take it? oh wait, you already have.”

slap.

“hanbin! are you still in here?” yunhyeong’s voice rang through the locker room.

sangmin grabbed his belongings, bolting out the back door. 

hanbin came back to reality. “hyung?” he croaked.

yunhyeong scanned the area, eyes finally landing on hanbin curled up against the wall next to the lockers. “fuck.”

he rushed over. “ryukyung?”

hanbin shook his head, “sangmin.”

ryukyung and sangmin were hanbin’s worst bullies. they left him alone before… that night… but after their friends got expelled over “a harmless prank”, they made it their life’s mission to make hanbin miserable. 

they were captains of the soccer team, so of course the school turned a blind eye. there wasn’t video proof, so they “couldn’t take action”. 

yunhyeong reached out a hand, pulling hanbin up easily. “you’re getting too skinny, bin.”

hanbin looked down at his legs. yunhyeong was right, his super skinny jeans that were tight a month ago were practically hanging off of his legs now. his hoodie that was snug around the hem dangled around his thighs. “i think i’m fine.” he tried to laugh.

yunhyeong sighed. “well, jiwon’s coming over after basketball. wanna walk home with me?”

hanbin nodded, cradling his hurt cheek. his phone vibrated in his hoodie’s pouch. 

[2:24 pm] jiwon (heart eyes): hey! i’m heading to yunhyeong’s soon, you should come with  
[2:24 pm] jiwon (heart eyes): how was your day?

hanbin smiled despite what just happened. 

yunhyeong grinned, looking over his shoulder. “jiwon?”

hanbin blushed, stuffing his phone in his pocket. “shut up, mom.”

yunhyeong just laughed and put an arm around his shoulder, “alright, son.”

they walked out of the school, making a left turn to walk to yunhyeong’s, only a few blocks away. hanbin felt himself becoming more at ease as yunhyeong chattered on about the cute girl he talked to in english class. “she asked for my number, bin! my digits!”

hanbin cracked up, “hyung!”

yunhyeong frowned playfully. “what?”

hanbin punched his shoulder lightly. “you’re so embarrassing.” 

they soon made it to yunhyeong’s home, a 2-story gray house in a gray neighborhood. “we’re here!” yunhyeong sing-songed. 

hanbin smiled as much as he could, with a bruising cheek and all. “thank god.”


	2. start thinking i aint meant for life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> just when hanbin thinks he sees the light, he descends into darkness.  
> jiwon's just sick of seeing him get hurt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS:  
> panic attack/dissociation - starts at "hanbin threw his door open, trying not to scream." ends at "the fog in hanbin’s eyes was starting to clear, being replaced with rain instead."  
> vomiting - starts at "he ran to the bathroom, skin and insides crawling." ends at "he felt himself distancing from reality."  
> self harm - starts at "he felt himself distancing from reality" ends at "the fog in hanbin’s eyes was starting to clear, being replaced with rain instead."  
> please dont't trigger yourself by reading this. you are loved and you deserve to be alive.

“let’s go inside.” yunhyeong opened the door and let hanbin inside. 

“are your parents here?” hanbin looked around. yunhyeong’s parents were usually very loud, but very kind.

“nah, they’re both working late tonight,” yunhyeong pursed his lips. “is that okay?”

“yeah, yeah, it’s okay.” hanbin smiled slightly. “just curious.”

yunhyeong breathed a sigh of relief. “good, i wanted to hang today.”

“wow, gross.” hanbin scrunched his nose, acting as if he was disgusted. 

“anything for my favorite dongsaeng.” yunhyeong put an arm around him, leading him to the kitchen. “want anything to eat?”

hanbin looked around the large kitchen, stocked full of food. it gave him anxiety. “uh, i think i’m fine right now.”

yunhyeong tsk-ed. “i didn’t see you eat at lunch today.”

“sometimes i just don’t have an appetite, okay?” hanbin snapped, then recoiled back as if he was scared. yunhyeong just smiled, getting to work at cutting up an apple for hanbin.

“ _there_ he is.” he laughed. he missed the old hanbin, spiteful, laughing, fun hanbin. the hanbin now is scared, quiet, and hurting. it hurt him to see his friend like this. he looked back at his friend, who was shaking. “it’s okay, bin,” he brought the apple slices on a paper plate, sitting them on the table. “i’m just glad you can feel again.”

hanbin smiled sadly. “i’m really trying, hyung.”

“i know.”

hanbin dropped his backpack near the dishwasher, sitting down at the round table. he reached a hand out, just-now noticing how bruised his knuckles were. he grimaced, quickly grabbing an apple slice and putting it to his mouth, taking small bites, slowly. yunhyeong’s phone vibrated. 

“oh, jiwon’s on his way!” 

hanbin’s demeanor noticeably brightened, “really?”

“yeah, dude!” yunhyeong grinned. 

“oh, nice.” hanbin tried to act like it wasn’t a big deal, but everyone, except jiwon himself, could tell that hanbin loved jiwon like the sun loves the moon. (the feeling is mutual)

yunhyeong sat down next to him, sipping at his bottle of coke. he kept his eyes on the plate, making sure hanbin ate the whole thing. after the… event, hanbin’s appetite greatly decreased, which is natural for survivors of such horrible things. however, it still worried the crap out of his friends. 

hanbin looked at yunhyeong, watching his gaze fixed on the plate. he stifled a laugh, “you ok buddy?”

yunhyeong met his eyes, making a goofy face, “are _you_ ?”

hanbin cackled, which made yunhyeong start laughing. they hadn’t had moments like this in a long time, it felt so good. 

there was a knock on the door, and hanbin tensed. he was always afraid that someone bad would be at the door. yunhyeong got up, walking towards to door and looking out the peephole. he swung the door open, “ahhhhh!” 

it was jiwon. “ahhhhh!” it was sort of a tradition for the friend group to greet each other by yelling,

hanbin beamed, starting to yell with them. jiwon noticed hanbin in the kitchen and practically ran over, bear-hugging him. “ahhhhh!”

yunhyeong broke the yell-fest with a loud, “jiwon!”

jiwon looked over his shoulder, “hyung!”

“did you bring _stogies_ ?”

jiwon laughed, reaching into his bag, but still keeping an arm around hanbin. hanbin leaned his face into jiwon’s shoulder. he smelled nice. it was comforting. 

“of course i brought the stogs, my dude!” jiwon laughed, pulling out a pack of cigarettes from his sweatpants pocket. hanbin smiled up at his friend like he was looking at a puppy. “and my darling hanbinnie, how was today?”

hanbin’s smiled faltered. “uh, it was fine. i guess.” jiwon craned his neck to get a better look at his friend. he gasped.

“hanbin…” jiwon murmured. he ran his thumb along the bruise on hanbin’s cheek. “who did this?”

yunhyeong sighed. “sangmin again.”

jiwon practically growled, “that bastard.” any thought or mention of one of hyunsik’s friends or comrades put him into a rage. he took hanbin’s hands, pulling up the sleeves to look at his hand. “fuck, what happened to your knuckles?”

hanbin wrapped his hand around jiwon’s, “slammed me into a wall,” he muttered.

jiwon grimaced. “i’m so sorry i wasn’t there for you.” he squeezed hanbin’s hand. “i’ll protect you, okay?”

hanbin smiled and was about to nod, but-

“ew! get a room!” yunhyeong pretended to gag. hanbin scrunched his face at him and jiwon pulled away, pretending to be offended. 

“do you think i can’t protect him,” he pulled his shirt sleeve up, flexing his arm, “with _these_ guns?”

yunhyeong cracked up, while hanbin just blushed and looked away. _fuck, i’m so gay._

jiwon grinned, “wanna head upstairs?”

yunhyeong was already running up the stairs. hanbin chuckled, but his laughter died down when jiwon turned to him with a serious look in his eyes. “what is it, hyung?”

jiwon started to say something, then stopped himself. “i’ll tell you later.”

hanbin pursed his lips. “okay.” he stood up, making his way towards the stairs, jiwon following close behind. jiwon poked his butt, making hanbin jump.

“asshole!” hanbin cursed.

jiwon’s loud laugh could be heard through the entire house. hanbin rolled his eyes, heading up the stairs and going into yunhyeong’s room. yunhyeong already had the windows open and was laying on his bed, scrolling through his phone.

“you take too long,” he whined.

“you didn’t wait.” jiwon mocked him, making hanbin burst out laughing. 

yunhyeong feigned being upset, “i am your hyung! the disrespect!”

jiwon took the pack of camels out of his pocket and lit a cigarette up, inhaling deep. yunhyeong snatched the pack and lighter out of his hand, taking one for himself then passing the pack to hanbin. hanbin took 6 out of the pack then cautiously handed it back to jiwon.

jiwon exhaled the smoke, opening one eye to look at hanbin. “you sure you need all of that at once?”

“i’m stocking up, don’t wanna keep passing the pack back and forth.”

jiwon blinked. “shit you’re right.” he took 6 more out of the carton then gave the rest to yunhyeong. 

yunhyeong yawned, holding the smoldering stick in his fingers. “this room is gonna stink.”

jiwon huffed a laugh. “what time are your parents getting home?”

“around 9.”

“yeah, we’ll be fine.” jiwon looked around the room, making sure every window was open, his eyes landed on hanbin, sat in yunhyeong’s desk chair. “you okay, bin?”

hanbin was flicking jiwon’s lighter on and off, over and over again. his eyes were drawn to the flame, mesmerized. _i’m gonna put my finger in the flame._ he lifted his hand.

“hanbin ah!” 

hanbin broke out of his stupor, blinking wildly. he looked up, feeling eyes on him. “yeah?” he pretended he was just reaching over for a cigarette. he picked one up off the table he had his collection on, lighting it up and sticking it in his mouth.

“nothing. you were just zoned out.” jiwon looked concerned.

hanbin inhaled, looking up at the ceiling. he had a tendency to zone out a lot these days. his mind felt scattered. at least the cancer in his hand made him feel a little serene. 

a silence fell over the room, then yunhyeong turned on his bluetooth speaker. tapping his phone, he picked out a song.

_“no more runnin says my mind_  
all this movement has just  
proved your kisses are too fine” 

“oh, you like animal collective?” hanbin looked at yunhyeong.

yunhyeong nodded. “yeah, just found them yesterday.”

jiwon pursed his lips. “okay, but tell me why we’re listening to stoner music?”

“it’s cool, ji. it’s like, soft and shit.” hanbin yawned, flicking his finished cigarette into the ashtray. his whole body felt more relaxed, making him want to take a nap (he wanted to sleep a lot these days). he could sleep forever if he really tried. maybe tomorrow.

he rested his head against yunhyeong’s desk. jiwon came up behind him, running his free hand through hanbin’s hair. his ministrations made hanbin practically purr, leaning his head into jiwon’s touch.

“are you tired?” jiwon’s voice was soothing to the fog in hanbin’s mind, clearing up the clouds. 

yeah, he was really tired. “mmm.” hanbin just hummed, closing his eyes. 

“i’m not surprised,” yunhyeong chimed in, “he’s barely slept the past few days.” he sat up, cigarette between his lips. 

the doorbell rang. “yunhyeong ah! i’m home!”

yunhyeong rushed to throw every used cigarette out the window, picking the burning smoke out of jiwon’s other hand, putting it out and throwing it out as well. jiwon quickly put all the clean cigarettes into his pocket.

“do we have to go, hyung?” jiwon questioned.

yunhyeong nodded, grimacing. “i was supposed to start dinner, she won’t be too happy.”

hanbin opened his eyes, effectively ending his dozing. he stood up, taking a deep breath as the world spun for a moment (he got dizzy a lot these days). yunhyeong beckoned the two younger boys out of his room, leading them downstairs. 

his mother was waiting at the bottom of the stairwell. “yunhyeong, why didn’t you tell me you were having jiwon and hanbin over?”

yunhyeong looked nervous. “i thought you wouldn’t be here, i’m sorry mom.”

the older woman smiled gently, patting her son’s shoulder. “it’s okay, just let me know next time.” she looked up at the youngest. “it’s nice to see you hanbin, are you doing okay?”

hanbin nodded, grinning. “yeah, things are pretty good right now.”

she beamed, “that’s great to hear.” she moved out of the way to let hanbin and jiwon into the kitchen. “oh, are you two leaving?”

jiwon nodded hastily. “we have to go home for dinner, we didn’t realize how late it was until you came home.” hanbin peered at him through the corner of his eye. _hopefully that’s convincing._

the truth is, the last time jiwon and hanbin had dinner with yunhyeong’s family, his mom ending up freaking out because of the smoke smell and gave hanbin a panic attack. they weren’t up for that tonight. 

the duo grabbed their bags and made their way to the front door. “alright, i’ll take this one home.” jiwon placed a hand on hanbin’s shoulder. 

hanbin nodded, “thank you for having us over.”

yunhyeong waved, grinning.

jiwon kept his hand on hanbin’s shoulder as they walked to his truck, parked in the driveway next to yunhyeong’s mom’s car. “do you want me to stay the night with you?” jiwon inquired, glancing at his friend.

hanbin shook his head, hand coming up to his cheek. “i’ll be fine. just get some rest.” he opened the door and stepped in the vehicle, relishing in the familiar scent of cigarettes and mint car freshener. jiwon plopped into the driver’s seat, putting the keys into the ignition and pulling out of the driveway. 

the drive was silent, save for the soft sound of american rap playing through the speakers. hanbin looked out the window, watching other cars drive by. _maybe if i open the door i’ll fly out and splat onto the ground._

he shook his head. he’s been having thoughts like that a lot lately. he pulled his sweater sleeves down. balling the material into his hands, hanbin tried to take deep breaths. he didn’t need an outburst right now. he’ll just wait until he gets home. jiwon reached a hand over, placing it over hanbin’s.

“you alright?” jiwon’s warm voice settled softly in the air. 

hanbin hesitated. “i think so.” he released the sweater sleeve, entwining his fingers with jiwon’s.

jiwon nodded, tapping his fingers on the wheel to the beat of the song currently playing. “call me if you need me tonight.” he glanced at hanbin.

“yeah, i will.”

they took a left turn, and they entered hanbin’s neighborhood. jiwon squeezed hanbin’s hand, making the other startle. jiwon chuckled, “you’re so cute, bin.”

hanbin blushed, looking away. “ah, no i’m not. i’m manly as hell.” 

jiwon just laughed, pulling into hanbin’s driveway. hanbin’s parents were already at the door. hanbin let go of jiwon’s hand, climbing out of the truck. he grabbed his bag, feeling it vibrate. _shit, i forgot to text my parents._

jiwon walked him to the door, opening it for him. hanbin’s mother pulled him into a loving embrace. “hanbin ah, we were so worried. why didn’t you text us? i mean, we assumed you were with jiwon and yunhyeong- they’re such nice boys i’m so glad you’re friends with them- i was so scared, i didn’t hear from- is that a bruise?” she cradled hanbin’s cheek. 

hanbin paled, feeling a heavy weight on his chest. his throat began to close up, he couldn’t speak. he pulled away, searching through his bag. he pulled out his phone from the bottom of the bag. “found my phone.” he whispered.

_24 notifications_

hanbin’s dad seemed to get the message, “honey, let’s stop crowding him.” hanbin’s mom let out a little “oh.”

“mrs. kim, he’s been with me and yunhyeong this afternoon. he had a rough day.” jiwon spoke up.

the older woman visibly relaxed. “thank you for taking such good care of our hanbin, you and yunhyeong mean so much to him.”

hanbin felt his face flush, biting the inside of his lip. 

jiwon grinned, wrapping an arm around hanbin’s shoulder. “he means a lot to me too.” 

hanbin’s mom suddenly jogged towards the kitchen, “hanbin ah! i forgot! i made dinner! i have a plate for you!” 

hanbin felt himself being pulled into jiwon’s arms. jiwon pressed a kiss to the top of hanbin’s head. “i’m serious, call me if you need me.”

hanbin rolled his eyes, not pulling away. “i know, hyung.”

jiwon let go, heading out the door. 

“hyung! wait!” hanbin stalled.

jiwon whipped around to face him, face serious.

“text me when you get home!” 

jiwon smiled so wide, his eyes practically disappeared. “of course, bin, i will.” he went down the steps, and made his way to the car. hanbin watched him the entire time. his heart felt heavy in his chest. he didn’t want to be alone, he never did. but at the same time, he couldn’t call jiwon every day. the older doesn’t need to worry about him every second. to hanbin, he deserves better. 

he bit his lip, closing the door as jiwon drove off. he walked to the kitchen, preparing himself for a long talk with his parents.

“hanbin, come sit.” 

his mom made him a big plate of jjajangmyeon and got him a glass of water, placing both on the table. hanbin visibly paled. he didn’t want to eat it. it was too much. he sat down at his seat, picking up his chopsticks and digging in at a slow pace.

it was delicious, as always, but he just couldn’t handle more than 4 bites. he didn’t like being too full, it made him feel out of control. 

“hanbin, eat more. you’re getting too skinny.” his mom chided, rubbing his back. suddenly, she was reminded to ask him about his cheek, eyes landing on the contusion. she looked at his dad, motioning for him to talk.

“son, please be honest.” 

hanbin looked up, anxious.

his dad struggled for the right words. “what happened today at school? what made you go home with yunhyeong and jiwon instead of us?”

hanbin started sweating, digging his nails into the inside of his hand. “uh- it’s fine.” he didn’t know the right words to say without disappointing his parents. they always say to fight back, but he just shuts down. 

“who was it this time?” his mother brushed a thumb along his cheek. 

“sangmin.” 

his father’s nostrils flared. “hanbin, you need to tell someone or stand up for yourself. this is _not_ okay.”

hanbin gritted his teeth. “he played the video, dad. i didn’t know what to do.” he felt himself starting to shrink into his mind. 

“you can still at least try to get-”

“do you think i don’t try? do you _really_ believe i’m not trying?” hanbin muttered.

“hanbin, watch your tone.” his dad’s voice was stern. “you just always come home like this, and it’s hard to watch our son practically being maimed every day at school.”

hanbin just stayed silent.

“maybe if you just stopped bringing the situation up, then everyone else would.”

“ _what?_ ”

“if you didn’t cry every time you so much as thought about it, they wouldn’t get the satisfaction of seeing you upset!” his dad was exasperated. “you need to let this dissipate, and not make such a big deal out of it.”

“jeongjoo, don’t-” his mom tried to stop him. she really did,

“don’t interrupt me,” the older man spoke sharply. he looked back at hanbin. “hanbin, it’s all over and done with. just because a few bullies are trying to rile you up isn’t the end of the world. just man up, and _let it go._ ”

this made hanbin snap. “you think i don’t want to forget about this and ‘let it go’? it’s kind of hard when the _video of me being drugged and fucking raped_ is still going around. it’s not like i just got pantsed, dad. i got _violated!_ ”

his dad blanched, “son-”

“i have flashbacks every day, i can’t just wake up and say that it’s over. it ruined my damn life.” hanbin felt tears welling in his eyes. “i _wish_ i could let it go. i really do.” he felt the tear run down his cheek. his hands were shaking. “i’m sorry i’m weak.” he surged out of his seat, running to the stairs and sprinting to his room. 

his dad tried to go after him, but was stopped by a hand on his shoulder.

“jeongjoo. just let him be. you really hurt his feelings, and he needs to be alone.” hanbin’s mother just looked at where hanbin waas sitting, sadness resting in her heart. 

hanbin threw his door open, trying his best not to scream. 

_dirty._

his head pounded, vision blurring.

_filthy from the inside out._

hanbin couldn’t tell if he was sweating or if it was tears.

_you liked it, didn’t you?_

hanbin felt his lungs collapse, and oxygen disappear. he ran to the bathroom, skin and insides crawling. 

he looked at himself in the mirror. _sunken in eyes, purple cheek, dry lips, pale skin. where am i?_ his vision distorted, he couldn’t recognize himself. 

_where am i?_ he dropped to his knees, feeling bile rise up in his throat. _filthy filthy filthy filthy_

his hands shook as he leaned over the toilet bowl. _my stomach hurts._ he shoved his fingers down his throat. his dinner came first, but to him it was all black. he pushed them further. next came the apple, then his breakfast, then nothing. _it’s all black._

the bowl was full, brown and greasy. hanbin felt his gut screaming, crying for relief. he went back in, it wasn’t enough. 

nothing came up except for drops of red. 

_oh wait, i’m still alive._

hanbin slammed his hand on the floor, slick with spit and vomit. he tasted blood in his mouth, teeth grinding together. he flushed the toilet, then ran back into his room. 

_i want to be alive._

he felt himself distancing from reality. he scoured through his drawers, trying to find something to help him.

cigarettes. 

_only with jiwon and yunhyeong._

lighters. 

_ugly scars._

his eyes landed on a x-acto blade he used to cut a shirt into a crop top one time. 

_i guess._

he felt as if he was watching someone else pick it up.

hanbin pulled his sleeve up, eyes scanning over the ugly bruises and scrapes marking the pale skin. 

_fuck it._

he slowly pressed the end of the blade into the inside of his arm, hissing through his teeth. he dragged it down his skin, watching the blood well and eventually run down his arm. his eyes widened.

_i feel it._

he repeated his motion next to the cut.

_you deserved it._

he repeated.

_no one will care if you bleed out._

he kept slicing his skin open, watching drops of blood fall onto the floor. 

_keep going._

he looked at his arm.

_it’s all red._

the fog in hanbin’s eyes was starting to clear, being replaced with rain instead. he could see through his own eyes now, but he didn’t like what he saw. 

he felt himself collapsing onto the ground. it’s never been this bad before. he looked around wildly, feeling his pockets. he needed jiwon. 

he felt the familiar bump in his pocket, immediately reaching in (staining the fabric), pulling it out. his whole body was shivering as he unlocked the device and quickly texted jiwon.

[10:49 pm] hanbinnie <33: jiqon  
[10:49 pm] hanbinnie <33: i nedeed you pealsse  
[10:50 pm] hanbinnie <33: it hurts it hurt s  
[10:50 pm] jiwon (heart eyes): i’m on my way. 

hanbin let go of his phone hearing the drop onto the floor. he looked up at the ceiling, watching it spin. time was twisting in and out, and soon he heard the door downstairs being unlocked and opened.

_”oh, jiwon! what are you doing here?”_

_“hanbin really needs me to stay with him, he’s having a bad night.”_

_“that’s fine, he’s in his room.”_

hanbin heard the thud of feet running up the stairs, and his door swung open.

“hanbin- oh my god.”

jiwon felt as if someone dropped a boulder onto his chest. laying on the floor, hanbin’s right arm was covered in blood, the smell biting into the air around him. hanbin’s eyes looked glassy, tears streaming down his cheeks. dried spit and vomit lined his lips.

jiwon rushed over to the younger, sitting him up and holding him close, not caring if his shirt gets stained. “baby, what happened? why did you do this?”

hanbin hiccupped. “my dad, h-he told me to get over it. i can’t do it, i cant do this one thing for him. i’m such a bad son, i just want to-”

“hanbin.” jiwon cut his rambling off. “let’s get you cleaned up.”

jiwon picked hanbin up with ease, resting him on his bed. the older quickly made it to the bathroom and back, holding wet paper towels and a bottle on antiseptic in his hands. “put your arm out.”

hanbin hesitated, then complied. jiwon used one of the wet paper towels to wipe all the blood off his arm, which was easy considering most of it was clotted. jiwon gasped as he took in just how bad the damage was. dozens of lacerations lined hanbin’s arm, oozing out red liquid and showing deep parts of the skin that jiwon never wanted to see.

jiwon opened the cap, squeezing the liquid out of the bottle, dabbing it with a paper towel into hanbin’s skin. hanbin hissed, the pain of the chemicals going into his tender skin lighting up his forearm. the older took another paper towel, wiping off hanbin’s lips. “please don’t ever do this again.” he whispered. 

hanbin smiled weakly, “i don’t want to.” _that’s a lie._ he always wanted to, and tonight he finally got the courage to give in to his urges and punish himself for his sins. 

jiwon threw the paper towels and empty antiseptic bottle into the trash can, kicking off his shoes and laying next to hanbin on the bed. he looked over at the younger. hanbin was shaking, hands clenching and letting go at his sides. his eyes were still fixated on the ceiling, tear tracks drying on his cheeks. 

jiwon moved his arm so he could hold hanbin’s hand. it was an act of comfort for the both of them, but also an attempt to ground hanbin back to reality. it seemed to work, as hanbin’s eyes darted towards to older. he slowly let go of jiwon’s hand, tugging at his arm. jiwon seemed to get the message, lifting his arm up so hanbin could curl into his side. secure in his arms, hanbin rested his head on his chest. 

jiwon’s heart soared, even though he knew it shouldn’t. it hurt him so much to see his best friend like this, but he couldn’t help feeling endearment with his love in his arms. all he wanted to do was make sure hanbin was loved and safe, and right now he was. with him.

there were a few moments of silence.

“hanbin?” jiwon murmured.

“yeah?” hanbin whispered.

“what happened?”

“i…” hanbin started, but felt himself beginning to teeter back onto the edge of panic. he swallowed harshly, and started again. “my dad saw the bruise… he got mad.”

jiwon felt his jaw tense. there was always something about hanbin’s father that pissed him off. all of that toxic masculinity and shadiness didn’t sit right with him. he tightened his arms around him. “it’ll be okay, bin. one day we’ll get out of his country and make music, and just be happy.”

he felt hanbin start to smile against his chest. “i’d like that.”

another moment of silence. 

jiwon felt hanbin start to tremble, and his shirt getting wet. “what’s wrong? did i say something?” he thought what he said would make hanbin happy, he never wanted to make him cry.

hanbin looked up at him. “i just…” he sniffed. “i want to be happy, i really do.” he took a deep breath. “it just feels like after what happened that nothing will be okay. it always haunts me no matter where i am.” 

hanbin was shaking, balling his fists in jiwon’s t shirt. jiwon brought up a hand and ran his fingers through the younger’s hair. hanbin leaned into his hand, closing his eyes and sighing. jiwon smiled fought the urge to coo at him for being so cute. _now isn’t the time._

“i saw hyunsik the other day.”

jiwon’s smile dropped. “what?”

“it was at the flower shop, you know when we went to get carnations for your mom’s birthday?” hanbin frowned. 

jiwon fumed. how _dare_ that fucker show his face around them after what he did. “did he do anything?” he tried to keep his voice stable.

“he texted me.”

jiwon’s stomach dropped. “what- what did he say?”

“he said ‘you look so sad. i should just go over there and fuck your pretty mouth again to wipe that frown off your face.’” hanbin shuddered. “it hurts, hyung. they won’t leave me alone.”

jiwon grit his teeth. “who else?”

“you know.. the rest of them… from that night…” hanbin winced as he spoke, not wanting any more reminders. “they call me and message me from different accounts. asking me to suck them off for 20$ or let them fuck me again but this time while i’m awake.”

jiwon saw red. “why didn’t you tell anyone?” _why didn’t you tell me?_

hanbin looked ashamed. “i didn’t want to cause any more trouble. plus, no one but you and yunhyeong would believe me anyways.”

it hurt jiwon so much. he could feel his heart breaking more and more with every word hanbin spoke. “it’s not causing trouble, hanbin. but i understand where you’re coming from.” jiwon hesitated. “they’ll get what they deserve one day. karma’ll get them.”

hanbin nodded, burying his face into jiwon’s chest. 

jiwon sighed. “okay. it’ll be okay.” he felt hanbin move up to be at a level position with his face. he felt like he was dreaming.

hanbin leaned in and pressed a kiss against jiwon’s forehead. he pulled back, blushing. jiwon was grinning. 

“ah, you’re so cute, binnie.”

“i just know you do that for me when i’m getting stressed. i could tell you were angry.” hanbin moved back to where he was, securely wrapped in jiwon’s arms. 

“thank you, baby boy.” jiwon cooed. hanbin smacked his chest, purposely hitting a nipple. jiwon just laughed, making hanbin laugh.

as soon as hanbin stopped giggling, he felt exhausted. he laid his head back down, listening to jiwon’s heartbeat. “thank you, hyung. for helping me so much.”

jiwon looked at him, watching his face. “don’t you dare think you’re a burden, bin.”

hanbin groaned. “how do you always know what i’m thinking?”

“we’re best friends, we’ve got the double b connection!” 

hanbin laughed quietly, closing his eyes. “that connection, man.”

jiwon just watched him as he began to doze off, then fall into a deep sleep without even turning his fan on or pulling the sheets over his body. he allowed his eyes to wander, scanning over the scabs and bruises on his cheek and knuckles to the fresh cuts on his arms.

he thought back to what he said earlier. _they’ll get what they deserve. yeah, they will._

_i’ll make sure of that._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry i made it all go downhill so quickly, but hey, jiwon has a plan wink wink


	3. i'll break your neck so you can watch your back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> holy light shines in hanbin's eyes as jiwon falls to hell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welcome to chapter 3!! this one's pretty long lol  
> WARNING: almost all of this chapter is just super graphic murder LUL  
> every "---" is a POV change, and if you just want to read hanbin's parts which are /not/ violent then just skip jiwon's until he gets home

hanbin hasn’t been to church in a while. too scared to show his face in public, he instead found solace alone in his room on sunday nights instead of singing hymns and praying to a god he knew wasn’t real. however, his family thought it would be a good idea to go back, get him active in the community again. 

ever since they saw his suffering painted on his skin a week ago, they were scared to leave him alone.

_opening the door, hanbin’s mother gasped._

_on the bed, jiwon and hanbin were curled up together. this was a normal sight, nothing to make her surprised. however, what surprised her was the red stains on hanbin’s bed sheets, the cuts all over his arm, the antiseptic on the nightstand, the bloodied paper towels in the trash can._

_she wanted to scream, to weep, to yell at the god her husband loved so much for letting this happen to her son. she always knew that hanbin was hurting, she just never thought it would get to this point._

_she wanted to blame herself. after all, what kind of mother was she to think that avoiding the topic of her son’s trauma would help him? she should have forced him to go to that support group that she saw online. she should have talked to him. she should have stood up to his father every time he gave hanbin shit for feeling such deep pain._

_jiwon heard the noise, lifting his head. ”mrs. kim?” he broke the sullen silence._

_ah, yes. jiwon was there._

_she always envied jiwon, he was closer to her son than she will ever be. he actively helps hanbin, cleans his wounds, and makes sure he’s okay mentally. she knew it was dumb to be jealous of a 17 year old, but she couldn’t help it. she just wanted to be able to talk to her son and save him from himself._

_”hello, jiwon.” she tried to smile. “what happened?”_

_”he- uh…” jiwon bit his lip, trying to decide whether to tell hanbin’s mother what really happened or not. it wasn’t his business, but hanbin was in danger. looking between the woman and his friend, he took a deep breath. “did hanbin and his dad have a fight last night?”_

_mrs. kim blanched. of course. of course her husband’s harsh words and actions broke hanbin’s glass wall around his heart, and broke it enough to make him punish himself. “y-yes. his father, um, said some rather rude things.” she kept her eyes trained on the floor, unable to look jiwon in the eyes. “that’s why he did this?”_

_jiwon nodded, pulling hanbin a little closer to him. “he thinks he’s a bad son, mrs. kim. he feels like a failure.” he looked down at the youngest. hanbin’s eyes were closed, and his breaths steady. all the sorrow and stress seemed to leave his face as he slept, making jiwon think of another world where hanbin was happy. “you should talk to him.”_

_she felt her eyes watering. “i will.”_

hanbin sighed, buttoning his burgundy dress shirt. he really, _really_ didn’t want to go. but, he needed to make his mother happy and suck it up. he really needs to get out anyways, maybe it’ll help. he looked out the window, watching the sunset for a few minutes. his phone sang an alarm, telling him to go downstairs and leave. he pulled on black skinny jeans and boots, grabbing his phone and rushing downstairs. 

hanbin ran to the kitchen where his parents waited, catching his breath. “i’m ready!”

hanbin’s father smiled. “you’re really coming?”

“yeah, why not.” he breathed heavily, trying to bring air back into his lungs. _man, i need to get back in shape._ “do you know if jiwon’s family is going?”

his father’s smile faltered a little, but he made sure to reconstruct it quickly. “i’m not sure, why don’t you ask him?” he didn’t fully approve of his son’s relationship with the other teenager. they were a little too close for his comfort. it wasn’t uncommon to find them holding each other as they slept, or jiwon’s arms wrapped around hanbin’s chest as the younger wrote music or watched videos on his laptop. however, he knew now not to dig too deep into hanbin. he didn’t want to make him feel even worse than he already does.

hanbin nodded, looking down at his phone. there was already a text from the older.

[7:01 pm] jiwon (heart eyes): not going to church tonight, feeling kinda sick

hanbin frowned, fingers tapping quickly to send a quick response.

[7:02 pm] hanbinnie <33: that’s okay, just let me know when you’re feeling better  
[7:02 pm] jiwon (heart eyes): this is why you’re my favorite hanbinnie <3  
[7:03 pm] jiwon (heart eyes): you’re not a bitch like yunhyeong hyung

hanbin giggled, smiling at his phone. about to type a message back, his mother and father started making their way to the car. he followed behind them, locking the door behind him and stepping into the small sedan.

the drive was mostly silent, save for the soft tapping of his mother typing on her phone. “so,” hanbin’s dad broke the silence. “hanbin, what did you do today?”

hanbin thought about his day. sleeping until 12, checking social media, blocking accounts sending creepy messages, going back to sleep, listening to music, texting jiwon. “not much, really.” his voice was soft, as if he didn’t want to cause any tension.

his dad nodded, making a left turn to pull into the church parking lot. “okay.” 

it was cold and awkward, like almost all of their interactions after hanbin’s episode. they were both walking on eggshells around each other, not testing the fragile barrier between them. hanbin understood why they were acting like that, but he didn’t like it. he wished his dad was more like an actual dad, not just a man that he sees at home. 

the car was parked, and hanbin climbed out of the car, straightened his shirt and walked with his mom along the gravel path to the house of god.

 

\---

jiwon put down his phone, laying back on his bed. his family stayed home with him, which made his plan a little more difficult to execute. he watched the fan spin around, waiting for the telltale yell around 8 pm. his mom and dad would go to bed, and he would be able to sneak out. 

he glanced at the plastic bag on the floor. he told his parents that he ran to the pharmacy to get some ibuprofen and cold packs, but what was actually inside was what he truly needed. 

jiwon smiled to himself. everything was falling into place, just as he had planned. he got a ping from the phone on his desk, he stood up quickly to check it. he picked it up from costco a week ago, deciding it was a good idea not to use his real number for this. 

[8:07 pm] dongwook: i’m on my way to the house, cant wait to see u ;)

jiwon huffed out a laugh. how gullible.

_after some investigation, jiwon found a way to lure the teenager into a remote area._

_pretending to be a girl named “lee hyerim”, he dmed the boy on instagram from a new account linked to the new phone’s number. he convinced him that “hyerim” just moved into town, and wanted to make some friends that lived here._

_the bait was easy, considering how dongwook was just a horny, trusting 17 year old. not even needing proof that it was truly her, he agreed to meet “her” at the abandoned farm in the forest around the lake. this sunday, at 8:30 pm._

[8:08 pm] hyerim (new): alright! i’ll be there soon. :)

“good night, jiwon!” his mother shouted from downstairs. 

“night night!” he yelled back.

rolling off his bed, he pulled out his supplies; rubber gloves, black sweatshirt, black ski mask, black sweatpants, a steel baseball bat,3 rope, a chef knife, boots, and antiseptic. perfect.

\---

hanbin followed his mother to the row of chairs where they usually sat. gospel music played from the speakers, loud enough to be heard but not loud enough to truly listen to it. white light rained from chandeliers attached to the steep ceiling, paintings and statues lining the edges of the interior. 

hanbin looked around, watching the dozens of people find their seats and congregate. he leaned back in his seat, closing his eyes. everything was already so overwhelming. it was hard to see the holiness when he felt so dirty.

his mother chose seats in the middle, where they used to usually sit. she moved to sit down, but felt a vibration in her purse. she pulled her phone out of the bag, looking at the screen and sighing. “wait here, hanbin ah. your father’s getting into an argument outside.”

hanbin nodded, sitting down and tapping his fingers against his knee.

“oh, hanbin! you’re back!” 

hanbin looked to his right, gasping. it was mrs. han, the ahjumma he talked to a lot in church. he grinned, accepting her hug. “yep! i’m here.”

mrs. han smiled sweetly, sitting down beside him. “it’s been so long, i was really concerned. i even called your mother a few times to make sure you were okay.” her expression turned solemn. “after everything that happened, i was worried sick. i’m so happy to see you again!” she started smiling again. 

hanbin looked down, smile faltering. _guess that’s what i’m gonna be remembered for, huh?_

“oh, they’re starting.” mrs. han whispered. the church band was tapping out the beat to the music, and started playing.

_precious lord, take my hand_  
_lead me on, let me stand_

hanbin sat as everyone else stood from their seats, singing along. it was a little much for him to take in all at once.

\---

jiwon put on the clothing quickly, deciding to forgo the mask until he got to the area to avoid suspicion. he pulled on the gloves, making sure not to get any possible dna on them. he placed the knife and mask in his pockets (thank god it had zippers). he clutched the bat and rope in his hand. he almost forgot the phone on the desk, then put it in his other pocket. he also brought a lighter and duct tape, just in case.

taking a deep breath, he opened his window. pulling the screen out, he quietly maneuvered out of the room, and onto the sturdy tree branch that was close to his window. he climbed down the tree and snuck quickly and quietly to the woods behind his house. it would take a 20 minute walk to get to the clearing, but he didn’t mind. it was worth it.

along the path to the farm, he thought to himself about his plan, and if he could really pull it off. there was a possibility that dongwook would bring a friend, but he could easily out-run them and catch them quickly. 

about 15 minutes into the walk, he put his mask on. he could guarantee that no one was around, so he wasn’t cautious anymore. he heard the rush of water in the stream, and saw dull light through the trees. he also heard hushed whispers.

_”when do you think she’ll get here?”_  
_”just give it a few minutes, dude.”_

his suspicions were right, dongwook did bring a friend.

and that friend turned out to be kyungho.

perfect.

\---

after a few minutes, hanbin began to feel the light energy radiating through the building. there was always something about church that made him feel good, even if he didn’t believe anymore. just seeing people singing and smiling sent a carefree feeling into his mind.

he stood up, chiming into the songs and clapping along with mrs. han. his parents came back halfway through the fifth song. mrs. kim felt joy in her soul for the first time in a long time. hanbin was actually happy, a large smile on his face, genuine content in his eyes, and moving more than he ever did in months. 

she felt a weight lift off of her chest, she was scared that church would possibly trigger her son (yes, she did research about trauma and its effects), and her gut feeling turned out to be correct. in the house of god, hanbin could shed his worries, even if just for a few hours. 

she shuffled her way through the row of seats, standing beside hanbin. she sang along, and forgot about the man following her to their family’s seats. her husband looked _way_ too excited to greet the young woman in front of them.

mrs. kim rolled her eyes, looking back at her son. she smiled, and simply joined in.

\---

jiwon stepped out from the the trees quietly. 

kyungho and dongwook didn’t notice. dongwook moved around to get a better view of the lake, leaving kyungho out in the open.

he snuck behind them raising the bat, and whacking kyungho is the back of the head. the hard hit knocked him unconscious, and he fell to the ground. dongwook didn’t seem to know what happened, just hearing a loud _slam._ he turned back around, seeing his friend laying on the ground. in shock, he barely noticed the dark figure darting towards him. 

jiwon held him in a headlock, squeezing his arm tight to keep oxygen from entering dongwook’s lungs. dongwook felt himself grow sleepy, and passed out, body going limp.

jiwon smirked under his mask. they didn’t even put up a fight. 

he moved their bodies to two separate trees, using the rope to tie one to each. _this is easier than i thought it would be._ once he finished tying their knots, he finished setting the “event” up.

first, he crushed the phone he used to talk to dongwook under his foot. 

second, he also crushed kyungho and dongwook’s phones.

third, he threw the pieces into the lake.

fourth, he covered the others’ mouth with the tape.

fifth, he pulled the knife and lighter out of his pocket, laying them next to him.

he sat down in front of the boys’ unconscious forms, waiting for them to awaken so he could get to the next part.

\---

the church stopped singing as the pastor walked onto the stage and started a prayer. 

_dear lord,_

as if all at once, the crowd sat down, hanbin quickly following. 

_thank you for bringing these amazing people to this building, a sanctuary for their souls._

hanbin looked left and right, everyone had their heads down, hands clasped together. hanbin kept his head up.

_may our house of god bring peace to the troubled, and remain a beacon of hope for the faithful, in your name._

hanbin’s eyes shifted to the statue of the virgin mary. made of marble and detailed with that ancient charm, stone eyes met brown. 

_thank you for all the blessings you have brought to the world._

hanbin held the statue’s gaze for a few seconds, mind wandering. 

_may your love and light shine through the clouds of dark days._

hanbin looked away. he felt that familiar crawling in his skin.

_in the lord’s name, i pray. amen._

“amen,” the crowd chorused.

\---

there was a gasp.

it was kyungho.

jiwon grinned, standing up to make his way to him. “oh, hello.” he held his knife against his thigh.

he tried to shout, but the sound was muffled.

jiwon crouched in front of kyungho, tracing the expanse of his cheek with the large knife. he nicked the soft skin, blood welling from the small cut.

kyungho started to cry, entire body trembling. jiwon chuckled, watching him struggle against the rope around him. 

dongwook lifted his head.

jiwon almost laughed at the look in his eyes, pure terror.

looking over at dongwook, he began to speak. “so, we’ve come to this.”

recognizing his voice, dongwook’s eyes widened. he never thought that jiwon would do this, he was too sweet. he thrashed against the tree, trying to get loose. 

“you really should have just left and kept quiet.” jiwon touched kyungho’s hand, the one that invaded hanbin’s body just a few months ago. “you did it with this hand, right?”

kyungho just shook, not responding. jiwon growled. “answer me.”

kyungho nodded, squeezing his eyes shut. jiwon raised the knife up, and brought it back to the ground. 

_crunch_

kyungho screamed behind the tape.

his wrist was nearly split from his hand, just a little bit of bleeding meat and skin keeping it attached to the limb. a little bit of bone even showed from the end of the stump.

dongwook snapped his eyes shut, unable to watch his friend be mutilated. there was another repulsing _squelch._

kyungho heaved, unable to keep his eyes away from the severed limb. blood spewed from the end of what was left of his arm, torn flesh hanging. he looked back up at jiwon, or at least he thought it was jiwon. all he could see now was a monster. 

jiwon tilted his head. “what’s with the look? just a little revenge.” he chuckled. “don’t worry, it won’t last too long for you.”

\---

hanbin’s chest tightened, a little overwhelmed with all the people and bright light. he looked up at a chandelier directly above him. there was a glass window near it, right at the peak of the building. it was said to “let god’s sacred light into the church”. 

he watched the stage, the pastor beginning to preach the righteousness of their savior. the gentle eagerness of the crowd let him feel a little safer. bright smiles of young children with their parents, old couples holding hands and murmuring soft hallelujahs, mrs. han beside him with her eyes closed, basking in the holiness. 

hanbin rubbed his arm through the sleeves of his shirt. the cuts were scarring over, but still felt tender. he winced as the fabric caught on a sharp scab. his mom noticed, covering his hand with hers.

“don’t mess with them, it’ll just do more damage.” she squeezed his hand reassuringly. “you don’t need that, honey.”

hanbin smiled, melancholy in his eyes. _yeah,_ he thought to himself. _i’ll just try to relax tonight._

he let his thoughts move to the back of his mind, focusing on the present. 

\---

kyungho met eyes with dongwook, agony in his eyes and horror in the other’s. he sobbed, white hot pain searing through his body. tears ran down his cheeks. he wanted to scream and shout for help, he never thought his sins would catch up to him like this.

“oh, you’re crying?” jiwon scoffed. kyungho nodded. “now, if you didn’t destroy him i would feel a little mercy, maybe let you go.” jiwon tilted his head to the left. “but we can’t have that.”

 _this is about hanbin._ kyungho’s mind supplied. he trembled, he knew he shouldn’t have listened to hyunsik. no matter his lust towards the younger, he should have left him alone.

“god knows what you were planning to do with ‘hyerim’ tonight, much less what you’ve already done to even more people.” jiwon pressed the knife against kyungho’s pelvis. kyungho let out a muffled cry.

dongwook looked away. jiwon was right. they were planning on having sex with the mysterious girl whether she wanted to or not, just like what they did to hanbin. it finally hit him, jiwon was doing this to avenge his best friend. 

jiwon brought the knife up to kyungho’s throat. “atone for your sins.” 

he held the knife back, and slammed it into his throat.

blood poured out of the area where jiwon continued pushing the knife deeper and deeper into his throat. kyungho made a gurgling noise, choking on the liquid filling his airways. he felt himself growing more and more faint.

jiwon pushed harder, then twisted the blade, loud crunches of bones breaking filling the air around them. he pulled his arm back quickly, admiring his work. 

kyungho’s head was half-lopped off, eyes glazed over and lifeless. blood spewed from the hole where his throat was now mangled, his body growing paler by the second. jiwon aimed his knife at where the flesh was still held together, held his arm behind his head, and swung down onto what was left of kyungho’s neck.

\---

hanbin finally began to feel the holiness the preacher always spoke about. a nice, clean and golden feeling he hadn’t felt in such a long time. he basked in it, nodding along to the words resonating through the room, laughing when the pastor brought up a funny anecdote, and gossiping with mrs. han about the ladies at her work between sermons. 

his mother placed a book on his lap. it was her bible. he looked at her questioningly.

she smiled. “i already know the passage he’s talking about. read this if you’re lost.” she pointed at the page. a verse was highlighted.

_for if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly father will also forgive you._  
_but if you do not forgive others their sins, your father will not forgive your sins._

hanbin gasped, all air suddenly leaving his lungs. everything felt too hot, the chandeliers too bright, the murmuring and speech too loud. 

_forgive them._

hanbin put his head in his hands.

_forgive them for their sins._

he grimaced.

_forgive._

his mom looked over, feeling him tense next to her. she felt her happiness deflate as she saw where his gaze was trained. she turned to the wrong page.

“hanbin ah?” she tried.

hanbin nodded.

“i didn’t mean to show you that.”

hanbin nodded.

“are you okay? i’m sorry.”

hanbin looked up, face red. “i’m fine, i’ll stay.” 

she smiled, so, so, proud of her son for finally facing his fears.

\---

kyungho’s head dropped to the ground. cloudy eyes rolled back, blood spewing from the stump of a neck left. his body slumped , lax in the rope. soon, the blood stop leaking, signifying he was truly on his way to hell.

dongwook screamed behind the tape over his mouth. jiwon moved over to him. he cocked his head to the side. “aw, what’s wrong?”

dongwook cried like a baby, sobs wracking through his body. jiwon spread the older’s legs. “how many people do you think are hurting because of your stupid little group?” he pursed his lips, pretending to count. “you know what? it doesn’t matter right now. what matters now is that no one will suffer from your actions anymore.”

dongwook’s eyes widened as jiwon cut a hole where his crotch was. he started hyperventilating, tears streaming down his face.

jiwon pulled his penis through the hole. “you just want to use this whenever you want, don’t you?” he grinned. “not anymore.” he brought the knife down.

the severed organ plopped onto the ground.

dongwook screamed

\---

soon enough, the sermon was coming to a close.

“may everyone walk in peace, keeping the lord close to your heart. in your darkest times, he will be there.”

“amen.” mrs. han whispered. hanbin nodded along to the words.

“in our father’s name, i pray that we live in light, grace, and gentleness. amen.”

“amen.” the crowd chorused. they then stood up, greeting friends and meeting newcomers. 

hanbin sat still for a moment, not sure what to do now. his mother beckoned him up, handing him the car keys. “go ahead and wait in the car, i’ll go find your father.”

 _oh, that’s right._ his father never showed up after he left to “go to the bathroom”. to be honest, hanbin didn’t even notice. he shrugged, standing up and turning to bid mrs. han goodbye. mrs. han pulled him into a warm hug. 

“things are looking up, hanbin. we’re all here for you.” she whispered into his ear. “don’t hesitate to call if you ever need someone to talk to.” she pulled back, grinning. “i’ll see you next week.”

hanbin nodded, smiling. he threaded between rows of chairs, finding the quickest way to the exit. he really didn’t feel like talking to anyone else.

a little girl stopped him. “oppa!”

hanbin looked down, confused. his face split into a smile as soon as he saw the girl tugging on his sleeve. 

it was little oh jaehwa. when he was more active in the church he would occasionally babysit for her parents, and they would always have a fun time together. he never thought he would feel joy in seeing a 7 year old, but he missed his friend. “jaehwa!” he picked up her, spinning her around. 

her parents showed up, looking frantically around for their daughter. as soon as they saw hanbin with her, they relaxed. they could always trust the teenager. 

“hanbin, it’s so good to see you again!” mrs. oh exclaimed. “jaehwa was so worried about you. every sunday she asked where ‘hanbinnie oppa’ was.”

jaehwa nodded, clinging to hanbin’s leg as he set her down. “it’s been so long! i thought you were dead!”

hanbin laughed, ruffling her hair. “nah, just really busy. i missed you!” he bent down, pinching her cheeks. she giggled, reaching up to pull hanbin’s hands away. 

“you’ll come back for good, right?” she looked so concerned, such a sad yet hopeful look out of place on a 7 year old’s face. 

hanbin looked at her parents. they nodded. “yeah, i’ll be back a lot more than i was.”

jaehwa smiled that adorable eye-smile all the ahjummas cooed over. “thank you oppa!” she gave him one final hug then walked back to her parents. “i have to go eat dinner with my grandma. see ya!” 

hanbin waved goodbye, then finally exited the building.

\---

dongwook could almost pass out from the pain coursing through his pelvis, spreading throughout his entire body. he squeezed his eyes shut, clenching his jaw.

“now for you, i’ll make it more quick. you’ve been tortured enough.” jiwon made a long cut on his cheek with the knife. “i have a little mercy.” he moved away, untying kyungho’s body.

he came back, bloody rope loose in his hands. he crouched back down, fastening a noose around dongwook’s neck. “this isn’t even trying to stage a murder-suicide, you’ll see what i’m planning.”

jiwon harshly pulled the rope up, yanking dongwook’s head up with it. dongwook’s eyes bulged out of his skull. jiwon stood up, pulling down a sturdy branch that was pretty high above dongwook’s head. he tied the end of the rope in a tight knot on the branch. 

“burn in hell.” 

he let go of the branch, watching it bounce back up into place. a soft _crunch_ signifying that his planning was correct. he broke dongwook’s neck in an easy fashion. 

he smiled, watching the life drain out of dongwook’s eyes, blood still pouring out of the hole in his crotch. his neck was unnaturally high above his shoulders, body still writhing slightly.

jiwon cut the ropes off of the two bodies once he was certain that they were dead. he followed every step he saw online.

first, cut the clothes off the body and burn them. _check._

second, cut off all limbs and remove nails. _check._ (it was a little harder to do that for dongwook considering his body was now hanging from the branch.)

third, scour the scene for any possible evidence and remove it/burn it. _check._ (he threw his gloves and mask into the fire as well.)

fourth, throw limbs and nails into the water. _check._ (he kept kyungho’s head close to the body.)

fifth, get the fuck out of there. 

he walked back to his house.

\---

hanbin sat in the car, bored out of his mind. jiwon didn’t text him back, yunhyeong was sleeping, he has no data to play games or go through social media. all he could do is it and listen to music on his headphones.

_well you can’t get what you want_  
_but you can get me_  
_so let’s set out to sea_  
_cause you are my medicine_  
_when you’re close to me_

he closed his eyes, leaning his head back onto the headrest. hanbin wanted to relish in the song, since it was one of his favorites. he always liked to think of “on melancholy hill” as his and jiwon’s song. they listen to the whole plastic beach album a lot, but the lyrics on this particular track never ceased to make him think of his best friend. 

jiwon really was his medicine, come to think about it. and vice versa. jiwon picked up the pieces when hanbin shattered, and in return hanbin let jiwon have someone to take care of and love with his whole heart, which is what jiwon needed.

god, he was falling for him so quickly.

jiwon was perfect to him. kind, hilarious, understanding, loving. they balanced each other out really well, and it often felt like the two of them against the world. he doesn’t know what he would do without the older.

the car door slammed open. his mom sat in the passenger seat, sniffling. 

hanbin pulled out his headphones. “mom, what’s wrong?”

she wiped her eyes, keeping her voice quiet. “don’t worry about it, sweetheart.”

his dad pulled the driver’s seat open, sitting down diligently. he refused to look at his wife, instead looking back at hanbin. “how was going back to church?”

hanbin looked between them. “it was great, actually.”

his father nodded, shifting the car to reverse and pulling out of the parking lot. 

the drive didn’t feel all too long, hanbin lost in his thoughts. he tapped his fingers against his legs to the beat of whatever song he was listening to at the moment. his parents quarreled in the front seats, but hanbin couldn’t bring himself to care anymore. he knew they would stay together anyways. _add that to a list of my problems._

he looked down at his phone and sighed. _god i’m so clingy._

[9:30 pm] hanbinnie <33: hey! on my way home from church, you missed a good time  
[9:30 pm] hanbinnie <33: don’t stay sick for too long, i need you at school to make it entertaining

\---

jiwon practically ran back to his house, scaling the tree and climbing inside of his window as quickly as possible. the rush in his veins made him feel like he could run 10 miles without taking a single break. he knew he would feel no guilt, and pulling off his plan so perfectly made him feel such an ecstasy he never knew possible.

jiwon’s smile stayed plastered onto his face as he put the screen back on his window. turning around, he realized he left his room’s light on the entire time. he shrugged, about to walk to the bathroom when he heard his text tone. 

picking up his phone, he read the text hanbin sent him. he felt his face flush. he felt such a deep love for his best friend, just the younger remembering to message him after church made his heart soar. however, jiwon didn’t know if hanbin felt the same way. he had an inkling he did, considering hanbin pressing kisses to his chest when they’re cuddling and he thinks jiwon’s asleep, hanbin holding his hand when they walk to the park, hanbin’s face lighting up whenever he notices jiwon in the room, hanbin, hanbin, hanbin, hanbin-

god, jiwon loved him so much. he would (and did) kill for him, he would leave everything behind if it meant making his love happy. he didn’t want to push it too much, though. he didn’t want to make hanbin uncomfortable. hopefully his little gift will help hanbin find hope.

he texted him back.

[9:32 pm] jiwon (heart eyes): damn :( i’ll be there next week for sure !!  
[9:32 pm] jiwon (heart eyes): and i’ll probably be at school just didn’t feel good enough to go to church ya feel?

jiwon put his phone down, and headed to the shower, intending to clean the muck and blood off of his skin and clothes.

\---

watching his phone light up with a notification from jiwon, hanbin couldn’t help but move to text him back right away. 

[9:33 pm] hanbinnie <33: good. 

_okay, short and sweet. gotta play it cool._ he thought to himself putting his phone back on his lap.

“we’re home,” his father called. 

hanbin practically threw open the car door, eager to go back to his room. the night was great, but to him, nothing beat just hanging out in his room. 

“woah, “ his mother laughed. “slow down a little!”

hanbin chuckled, already waiting for his dad on the porch to unlock the door. “nothing personal, just want to go to bed.”

she pursed her lips. “that’s awful early, don’t you think?”

hanbin shook his head. “i’m not gonna sleep, just lay down. i’ve got a headache.” he watched his father open the door and flew up the stairs, going into his room and shutting the door.

he put on a big t-shirt and black boxer-briefs, curling up in bed. the mattress was warm and comforting, allowing him to relax and shake off the day. hanbin scrolled through his phone, reblogging a few things on tumblr, and stumbling across a rather… sensual photo.

it was a boy having his neck kissed by another boy, hickies already dotting the skin around the other’s lips. his mind immediately pictured that image as him and jiwon. hanbin always wanted jiwon like that, but he was always afraid to initiate anything remotely like that. he didn’t know if it would trigger him, and he didn’t want to kill the mood if that happened.

[9:45 pm] hs400300 sent you a message

hanbin groaned covering his eyes. he never trusted any strangers in his dm’s, odds are it was more dick pics from hyunsik or one of his buddies. no matter how hard he tried, they always found a way to mess with him. he felt his chest constricting, anxiety beginning to wash over him. 

sliding open the notification, he winced. he was right, it was another dick pic with a flirty message from hyunsik. he quickly tapped the screen, blocking the account and deleting the message.

hanbin’s hands started trembling. after telling jiwon what was going on, his mind tried to supply the thought that jiwon would do something about it, but of course the messages still came. he sighed, sending jiwon a quick good night text and pulling the sheets over his body.

maybe he can nap for a little bit.

\---

jiwon shedded his clothes, placing them in the sink for later hand-washing. his torso was stained with blood that soaked through the fabric. he shrugged, stepping into the bathtub, angling the shower head to hit his sore back perfectly. he turned the water on and sighed blissfully. 

the water was warm and hitting the knots in his back just right. his mind flitted to hanbin, like it always does. he wished the younger was with him. he wished that hanbin saw what he did for him. he wished hanbin was in his room, waiting for him. or even better, in the shower with him.

_giggling as jiwon holds him close._

jiwon rested his back against the wall.

_hanbin shyly pressing a kiss against his lips, then letting out a little whine as jiwon deepens it._

he felt his dick twitching in interest, already starting to harden at the thoughts that were becoming more and more common.

_hanbin moaning as jiwon slots a knee between water-slick thighs._

jiwon reached down to touch himself, running his hand along the length of his cock.

_hanbin throwing his head back to let jiwon mark up his neck, rocking his hips forward for more friction._

he started pumping himself slowly.

_hanbin crying out as jiwon snaked a hand between them, wrapping his hand around the younger’s dick._

jiwon groaned, head leaning against the hard surface behind him. the warm drops of water running along his body felt nice, letting him feel like hanbin was really there with him.

_hanbin practically melting in jiwon’s arms, sobbing into the crook of his neck as he fucks into his hyung’s fist. ___

__jiwon tightened his grip, biting his lip._ _

___hanbin’s thrusts growing more sloppy, trying to say something, but all the words coming out as loud whimpers and cries of pleasure._ _ _

__jiwon felt heat pooling in his stomach._ _

___”do you wanna cum, baby?” jiwon would ask, tilting hanbin’s chin up with his free hand._ _ _

__jiwon’s dick started dribbling precum._ _

___hanbin looks gorgeous, bleary eyes and scarlet cheeks, plump lips swollen from kissing. jiwon lets hanbin rut into his palm, praising him, letting him know how good he is for jiwon._ _ _

__jiwon hissed, the hot, slick slide of his hand going faster, faster._ _

___hanbin cums with a loud moan of jiwon’s name. his body relaxes, and he nuzzles into jiwon’s chest. hanbin looks up at him. “hyung, can i suck you off?”_ _ _

__the thought of those filthy words leaving hanbin’s pretty little mouth pushed him over the edge, hot white streaks of cum coating his stomach. jiwon took a moment to catch his breath, finishing cleaning himself up. he didn’t feel as much guilt over it as he used to. jiwon could rarely get off without thinking about his best friend anymore._ _

__as soon as he felt sparkly clean all over, he turned the water off and stepped out of the shower, steam billowing around him. he ran the sink with the clothes in it, letting the excess blood wash off. drying off his hair and body, he walked out into his room._ _

__jiwon left the bathroom door open so he could keep an eye on it, and pulled on a pair of navy blue boxers. he crawled into his bed, checking his phone. there was a text from hanbin._ _

__[9:50 pm] hanbinnie <33: i think i’m gonna sleep for a little bit  
[9:50 pm] hanbinnie <33: if i don’t wake up later in the night, good night hyung!_ _

__knowing that hanbin was sleeping relaxed him, as if all of the tension building up in the past months was washing away. whenever hanbin was having bad nights he didn’t text jiwon when he was going to bed. he didn’t sleep on those nights, so what was the point?_ _

__jiwon smiled, tapping out a reply._ _

__[10:15 pm] jiwon (heart eyes): good night, angel <3_ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello again!!  
> this chapter was gruesome, but hey this is just the beginning with jiwon's plan  
> i tried to touch more on the dynamic of jiwon and hanbin's relationship and how codependent they are, so hopefully that reads well aha  
> the masturbation scene was an attempt at showing how far jiwon's obsessive thoughts about hanbin will go, not to be smutty lol  
> my twitter is @hanbinlix if u wanna chat!

**Author's Note:**

> my twitter is @hanbinlix if u want updates !


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